Weekly Thoughts
What’s up, Epic!
It’s time for another edition of Big G’s Weekly Thoughts. This week I thought it would be a good idea to get sick for a couple days just so I could enjoy the days that I am well that much more. I spent two days with that gaggy feeling where it feels like you’ve accidentally swallowed your Adam’s apple. You spit up a brown gelatinous matter that smells like a public bathroom’s urinal cake and have “runs” that Jackie Joyner Kercey would be jealous of. If you’ve ever been sick before, you know that when your stomach is turning, EVERY FOOD COMMERCIAL COMES ON advertising the most disgusting things you’ve ever heard of. I would be on the verge of vomit express and I would hear,
“Come by Sonic and try our new 40 oz MUSTARD MILKSHAKE!”
This would send The G into fits of uproarious hurlation which apparently would challenge the bowel echelon to a “who can produce the most” competition until I was a spewing fountain of misery.
This is a slight bunny trail from the being sick topic, but when I was in third grade, I had a crush on this girl named Lauren Caffey. I had to have her notice me, and I pretty much was biding my time before I emerged as her knight in shining armor. I saw my opportunity one day when we had a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. In one brilliant flash of clarity, I saw a foolproof plan to get Lauren to notice me while gaining the respect and admiration of my fellow classmates.
My plan was to eat as much pizza as I could, crawl into the ball pit, gag myself, and throw up the contents of my stomach all over the ball pit. Looking back now I can see where my plan fell perhaps just short of perfection, but at the time I honestly thought that this was my best bet. Well, needless to say, everything went just as planned. I had eaten enough pizza to bankrupt the entire Chuck E. Cheese restaurant chain, then manuevered my way into the ball pit and spewed a glorious geyser of love for my thought soon-to-be wife, Lauren Caffey.
Well, Lauren Caffey disguised her love pretty well by telling everybody that I was the most disgusting person to ever live and that she didn’t think it would be too bad of an idea for me to just go ahead and die right there. Well, I read between the lines, and know to this day that my flawless regurgatative love proclamation probably has about twenty girls from my third grade class unable to get over me. Oh well, such are the responsibilities of a natural heart throb.
Farewell for this week Epic, I’ll write you guys later on next week.
-The G-
